Fcuk. I felt so disappointed today. Disappointed at myself, at the people around me. At actions we carry out, at words that we speak. The day proceeded fine, until after extra maths lessons. Immediately after that it was basically just shiaaat. I felt feel like such a fcking loser, a coward, an idiot. I felt like the lousiest thing in the world. I couldn't even do simple maths, like a simple question and I'm already so fcked up. And there were these superman people around me, doing the paper in a breeze, and I was like dying and shrivelling up. I hate this feeling, I hate it that I can't do things that I try to do. Yeah, and band was like even more shit. I even felt like crying, I think I teared, but I kinda had no idea why. Then I heard Clare telling Hui Ying that I was like sad that I couldn't do maths and all (which sounds damn loser-ish) and HY told me to relax. And I just nodded. I was fcking pissed at the whole world, like I kept telling myself that things will get better, but apparently not. Throughout the whole of the band practice, I kept telling myself to give my best, last shot before Saturday's performance, cause it'll be the last for some time. I know I still played like shit, wth, and that pissed me off even more. I didn't know what was wrong with me, I just felt I could never ever get things right. I think I'm fighting really hard for a place in this world, but things just don't go right. I have this habit of thinking back on stuff and feeling so embarrassed about what I did then, like I think "Shit, why did I say that! It's damn brainless." And I'll brood over it for the whole day. Yeah just in case you didn't know, I'm that kinda person. I hate myself. I hate my character. I hate my personality.

Hate's a strong word.